What I learned from the love languages of my children

Several years ago the author of the 5 Love Languages came to a local church in our area to speak. I remember the night clearly, as Cam and I went on a date to hear what he had to say. We had already taken the love language test earlier that year and come to realize that his need for quality time didn't work so well with my need for acts of service. When he wanted me to be walking in the rose garden with him, I was too busy cleaning the kitchen and cooking for the kids. When I wanted him to help out around the house, he was NOT busy - sitting with his feet up meditating on a new Bible thought. We realized early on how tough it was to blend our need for love in our own individual "way."

Years later, I am finally reading the book for children that I bought at the conference. One of the blessings of slowing down the pace of life is that I have realized how little I have observed and watched my family. I was so busy acting and serving to prove myself worthy of love, that I never could take the time to really look into those I loved most. I've had a great deal of fun doing this.

So one afternoon, I sat down with the kids and did the "test" to see what their answers might be. I was certain I would know each of them. First was S- straight down the line - quality time and words of affirmation - check. Eek - not a good thing that I spent the last 3 years in hyper drive - good thing we started the one on one dates. After we finished he said to me. When you speak harshly to me for forgetting my chores, it feels like you don't love me. :-( Amazing how clearly he summed up those chapters of the book. Noted - but with a jab of pain inside.

Then it was on to A- who from the age of 2 has asked me to wrap up her toys so she can open them. Easy primary love language, I thought, but wonder what the second one is? We headed down the questions - she was supposed to choose which phrase she'd rather hear from me:

1. I've got a special birthday present for you

or

2. I'll help you with your project

She chose 2?

1. I've got a surprise for you

or

2. We can make something really cool.

She chose 2? Maybe she's quality time??

Ok - surely this one:

1. How did you know how to do that? You are brilliant!

2. I can't wait to give you your present!

NOPE - she chose 1!!

Wow - I really don't know my own daughter anymore. So I say aloud to her - "remember when you were little and used to ask me to wrap up your toys? I would have thought you LOVED gifts!"

"OK mom," she says, "I lied. I was just giving you the answers I thought you wanted to hear." WOW- - now that hit me upside the head like a load of bricks. Then I thought back to how I phrased the question - Answer according to what your would like for ME to say to you. Funny how she was serving my love language- acts of service - without even realizing it. She explained to me how she felt like she shouldn't want to get gifts because our family is always focused on being thrifty with our money and giving to other people. I felt sad and happy all at the same time. Happy because the message of being mindful of the blessings of God had been received, but sad that it was really impacting her feeling of being loved!

As we went through the test again, she giggled as she said yes, to the surprises, gifts, and special celebrations. I realized how important these were and how I'd let adhering to a strict budget stand in the way of giving little things. Just this week she came home with a wonderful term report from school and earned a merit badge. And tomorrow on her pillow will be a little pink tube of lip shine - to celebrate how she shines in my eyes!

W came last to take the test. First thing he wanted to know was what was his brother's love language? Let's focus on you - I tell him. He sat down next to me. I took out the notes I had made on S and drew a line beneath to start his. Physical touch - just as I had suspected - he can't keep his hands off of anyone and gives the BIGGEST hugs. Oh - words of affirmation is rating high, too. "Shouting really upsets me" - he says.

I ask him to choose between:

1. I made your favorite food

or

2. I checked your homework and it looks great

Mac and cheese of course - he says - who cares what my homework looks like?

Spoken like a true first grader who's love language is through his stomach!

We got to the end and he started answering me in letters - D, E, B. "What do you mean W?" I ask.

"Well those are the answers S got and I want to answer the same!" How sweet is that? His love language is wanting to be just like his big brother!

As we finished the tests and shared our love language results, it made for some interesting conversation. There was a happy feeling amongst us that we now knew each other better and could understand each other's needs. We sat and snuggled on the sofa - and my thoughts turned to how thankful I am to have these precious children. A gave me a big hug and said "Mom, can you rub my back?" Guess what her number two is??