I cannot fix this myself!

This Monday morning started off wrong.  I was trying to help S to find a lost book and when I asked him if he had looked in his bag, he smarted off to me with "I've already looked there." (read you idiot in the tone).  Now you would think that I would be the most understanding person when it comes to expressing frustration in your tone - since I am queen of doing this.  I continually struggle to speak respectfully to those I love, instead of as their commander.  But alas, instead, I reacted to what felt like condescension and disrespect in the face of my offering of loving help.

He obviously didn't react well to the verbal attack that came next and ended up on top of his bunk bed unwilling to come down and get ready for school.  After we reconciled and he went to school, I sat down in prayer with my God and searching for how to control my reactions.  Just last night, Cam and I were discussing about how much we truly struggle with animal instincts as humans.  We're still dominated by the hormones raging in our bodies, the fleshly instincts to get what we want and the desire to come out on top of all those around us.

We were discussing Paul's concern for this in Romans 7 where he says " I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I don't do.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin."

As I sat this morning feeling Paul's exact sentiments - "Oh what a wretched person I am!"  I said to God outloud - I cannot fix this in myself.  I keep trying to change, trying to be better and I cannot change.  I had thought this many times before, but I had never confessed it with my mouth outloud.  All of the sudden, everything became so clear to me.  And I asked God outloud - were you just waiting for me to admit this to you?  He had shown me the key to unlocking this door.  I cannot fix this myself.   God has to change me.  Like Romans 7 says, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!!" For what I am powerless to do because I was weakened by my sinful nature, God does in me by providing Christ as my sin offering!  When I set my mind on what the spirit desires, a life of peace follows.

As I went to journal my thoughts after this revelation, I started making notes about what I should do when I feel like reacting - breathe, count to 10, pray to God.  Then speak in a calm voice and ask S to say that again nicely.  "He's only 10," I wrote. If I can't control my reactions, how can I expect him to? I went to my peace basket where I keep my Positive Discipline parenting tool cards.  This deck of 52 cards is meant to be implemented one week at a time so you can practice learning the concept.  For those of you that don't know about the Positive Discipline approach, you can check it out here: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2010/05/modeling-control-for-your-children-and.html   As I pulled the next card in the deck, tears came to my eyes when I realized how much God shows me He is with me all the time.  Here's what the card said:

Control your own Behavior

Parents must learn to control their own behavior before they can expect children to control theirs.  Take some positive time out for yourself - breathe, count to 10 go sit in your favorite chair so you can feel better.  Then you'll be able to do better.

I immediately praised God for his infinite wisdom and abundance of mercy.  This is one of the reasons why my children were sent off to school.  God had intervened and provided me the time to do this - the time to spend with him in conversation and confession.  I am seeing more clearly each day why he has put us on this path in our lives.  He knows of what we have need of before we ever ask for it.

So I go forward today with hope in my heart, excited to pick up my children from school and have another chance to show them how God has taught me a great lesson.  Mistakes are opportunities to learn and start again.  Isn't that the message of the gospel?  With our full reliance on God, we will be made like Him.  I am a new creation, no more in condemnation, here in the grace of God I stand.  I will praise you Lord for all that you have done!