The Man in the Mirror

In tribute to Michael Jackson, I thought I might post a bit of introspective meandering that I've been doing lately. It's puzzled me quite a bit as to why I've been so interested in reading about Michael Jackson's death and watching his memorial service as I don't usually get in to all of the showbiz drama. As the details come forth about how much he struggled in his last years with fear, insomnia, anxiety, and isolation, I feel so sympathetic toward what he has suffered since I have gone through a bit of that myself lately. Yes, I know he was full of deviant behavior, addicted to drugs, and a terrible example of a life in show business. Yet, I see the tragedy behind all that he was pushed into doing, and the result of parents who never let him live the life a child is supposed to live. He had to grow up way too fast and be exposed to unthinkable things that left him seeking a way to live childhood for the rest of his life.

I remember as a teen listening to his song "The man in the mirror" and how much it impacted me in my walk to follow our Lord. "I'm looking at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, no message could be any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place, you've got to look at yourself and make that change!"

It would make me think of the verses in the Bible in James 1

"²²Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does."


Well, since I've moved to South Africa, I've been doing a lot of looking in the mirror. When you uproot yourself from everything that is familiar and move yourself to the other side of the world, some interesting things happen. I remember as a kid when we would go away for a week's vacation and return home, that things would look different. I would see my town and home with new eyes - things that had always been there, but I'd never noticed. But pretty soon, I'd get back in the grind of everyday life and that status quo would settle in and I'd stop looking with new eyes.

Now, my eyes seem to never stop seeing what is new. For some people this can be a really exciting experience, but for those like me who like predictability, planning, the familiar - it can be very disconcerting. Some days I just wish I could look on the familiar, that my eyes could rest softly without taking in so many new things. So far I have found a few strange things that bring comfort from home - they are anything American - and about all I've found American are a few brands and stores. It's the KFC, Hellman's mayo, Bic pens, Levi's, Toys R Us, and Real Simple Magazine. Other than that, everything else is new - every brand of item for your house, where to shop (the 10 stores instead of Wal-mart), street names, friends, cultural ways of living, etc.- everything has to be redefined.

This brings me back to looking in the mirror, because now I don't really know who this person is staring back at me. She seems strange, different, yet familiar- but I am not comfortable with her. I had always defined myself by the fact that I was an American, Arkansan/Texan, follower of Christ, environmentalist, natural health fanatic, friend encourager and conflict counselor, football enthusiast, organizing expert, news junkie, homeschooling Montessorian, and yoga/ pilates/ Shakey's/ Lost addict. When I moved here, most of the labels that I connected my identity with are now gone. I can't recycle, can't find 100% whole wheat anything, don't have a tv, can't find a good newspaper, can't drive yet to find a yoga center, am stuck with rugby instead of football, and am surrounded by people that have no clue what wooo pig sooie means! Yes I would like some cheese with that whine!

But seriously, I am left with an empty feeling of what defines me. I think what God is showing me is that He was only one of my labels, instead of being the core and essence of all of that I am. I was looking in the mirror and seeing God, but then going away and forgetting what He looked like, burying myself in all the distractions around me instead of filling myself up completely with God. I was listening to the word, and deceiving myself by not going and doing what it said. Yeah - I did good things, the things that came easy to me - like listening to friends in need, trying to help find solutions to problems, volunteering to organize events, helping others out in need. But none of these things took me way out of my comfort zone or rocked my world view. It's GOOD to have your world view ROCKED!! (Ouch - did I really say that?)

My daily routine and everyday life back home really covered over a lot of little cracks in my personality, relationships and faith that I didn't even realize existed. These were the labels that I hoped no one else could see: fearful, demanding, obsessively ordered, rigidly structured, impatient, and overly sheltered. Those were the cracks that could stay small (ok - well I guess all of those close to me really knew how I was!) until I flew them across 2 continents and landed them smack dab in the middle of South Africa. What else could they do but burst open into big chasms!! I've always said it is a blessing to have your weaknesses and sins made public, because then you HAVE to deal with them. This was the mistake Michael Jackson's family made - covering up the interventions publicly, so he could never come clean and be released of those haunting realities.

A dear friend of mine brought out a verse that I know has always been there, but I've been too comfortable to realize - It's in Romans 14: whatever is not of faith is sin. Like Abraham, we have to trust against all hope. In hope we have to believe. We have to face the facts, yet not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God. We have to be FULLY persuaded (not 1/10th) that God has the power to do what He has promised. This is why it will be credited to us as RIGHTEOUSNESS and then we will have Peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Then we will rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope. And hope DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us! (Romans 4: 18-5:5)

So I go away from the mirror tonight, not frustrated for what I'll forget when I walk away, but content and at peace, knowing that tomorrow and each day after that, I'll have the courage to come back to the mirror and look, without fear, at what really lies behind those eyes of my soul. And as I keep discovering the new face of Kim, I will become more comfortable, more familiar, and more full of faith, perseverance, and the amazing hope that God is working out in me his righteousness and I will not be disappointed!!